It was a bright and sunny Saturday morning and I was at Paramount Park to songwrite with a friend of mine.

“Hah!” I gasped in horror as I watched a piece of cork on my clarinet start to fall off. This wouldn’t be a problem, except that the cork on a clarinet is like a heart or brain, you need it to survive. So I asked my friend to watch my bag as I hurried home to tell my Mom what had just happened. My heart was pounding as I ran, trying not to cry. I have a festival on Thursday and now my clarinet is broken which is just one more thing to be anxious about.

My name is Lynnea Robertson-Modell (they/them/theirs), a freshman band kid who was supposed to play during the SKMEA band festival at Kamiak High School. There are a lot of things you need to know about me, I’m a Zac Brown Band non-official spokesperson, storyteller, and musician. Even though I liked middle school and the first half of elementary school, Shorecrest is absolutely my favorite. I feel loved here, but not very connected to anyone. I’m not even sure if the only kid in my grade who I feel connected with is going to be here next year.

I struggle with mental health, anxiety, depression, and trauma especially. I also struggle with physical pain almost every single day of my life thanks to a chronic condition I have, (I highly recommend having it).

I’m also a very insecure and sensitive person. Oh, I hit your shoe? “I’m sorry!” You’re in the band room and I accidentally knock your water bottle but only like two drops of water come out? “Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” Meanwhile, the other person doesn’t seem to care about the fact that I may have accidentally contaminated their water bottle. If I did, they better like the taste of dirt.

They’d look me dead in the eye, “Lynnea, it’s fine.” They’d reach over and grab my shoulder, “Lynnea you’re fine.” At this point, they may as well just slap me in the face, scream profanities, or threaten me. After all, I wouldn’t be able to fight back, push away, shout profanities, or threaten because I’m a baby.

When I rushed home with my partially naked clarinet, my Mom had said that she would take it into Kennelly Keys that day. I felt relief sliding down from my shoulders down to the tips of my toes.

Still, I was very anxious about the festival for multiple reasons. One reason is that I’m a very ambitious person and no one can stop me from chasing my dreams. (One of the many reasons why I don’t ever want to get married or be in any sort of romantic relationship.) A huge part of the festival is getting judged by critics, which I was extremely anxious about. The other main reason I was very anxious accompanies the judging, and that reason is my body. You see, I have tremors. It started out as just my hands (which was why it wasn’t a big deal last year) but now it’s pretty much head-to-toe. That makes doing even the basics in band difficult, like doing crescendos for example. It still tears me up mentally, and it’s not necessarily from the tremors themselves. What tears me up is the fear of how people will think of me compared to everyone else in my section, whether that be the judges, Mr. Caruso, or someone in the band. Additionally, I am very dehydrated and often have dizzy spells which mess me up too so I would make embarrassing mistakes like playing a rhythm from 7th grade band wrong, etc.

Mr. Caruso gave me a temporary clarinet to use until mine came back. It worked okay, but it kept squeaking. I also did not kiss it, I thought that would be kind of weird and also insulting to my real clarinet. So I was glad it got fixed.

I arrived at school on Thursday at seven in the morning and filled up my water bottle. I was relaxed but had a feeling I was missing something and couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Shoes! I forgot my shoes! I was wearing my regular tennis shoes instead of my nice black ones we were supposed to wear, oops. My anxiety started to rise again and I tried not to think about it.

It’s also important to note that I don’t eat breakfast or lunch. I forgot to have breakfast that morning and was too scared to pack food because of trauma Another thing to keep in mind is that we were supposed to be gone from seven to four and we were performing at three instead of 7:50 in the morning. So my blood sugar would be even lower than in the morning and at least the tremors in my hands would get worse. This clearly shows that you’re not supposed to eat anything for over nine hours straight.

The bus situation was ridiculous. First off, Stupid Ensem– I mean Wind Ensemble, got the fancy charter bus and us and Symphonic Band got the boring old school bus. (Do you see why I hate Wind Ensemble so much?) I sat with the friend in my grade who I actually feel close with but we didn’t talk that much during the ride. However, some of us had a good laugh about the fact that there was a car seat but since the bus was packed, someone from the Symphonic Band had to sit in the car seat. I was hoping the Wind Ensemble would rot on the charter bus, which they didn’t unfortunately and they also got there before us!

We then had to stand out there for a long time, which actually didn’t feel that long. Finally, Mr. Caruso then called us over because he didn’t want to shout, which is completely ridiculous because he could have just talked really loud!y and lose his voice.

Once we finally got in I realized that Mr. Caruso was not joking when he said that we had to put our things on a couch. But what had made this even more humorous was that obviously those who play big instruments, like tuba, couldn’t put their things on the couch. There were also so many schools that most of them got the floor. So now there are instrument cases all over the floor and on all of the couches. I’m surprised I didn’t trip and fall.

Next was going to the theater. it was probably around 60% the size of ours, but we were able to find a couple rows where our school and chaperons could sit.

We watched a bunch of bands perform. I was so impressed by how good they all sounded! However, maybe it was something to do with being in an unfamiliar place or just being very self-conscious and ambitious, but I got very anxious. I was crying, feeling powerless.

A chaperone sitting next to me took my hand and walked me outside to help calm me down and then we went back into the theater, and we sat down. Halfway through watching the performance, she took my hand again and playfully was moving it, none of this really bothered me because I’ve known her.

The chaperones were sitting behind the band and we moved to that row later on, but she said I couldn’t sit next to her because of boundaries, which made me very confused.  It felt very awkward and I started crying in confusion and embarrassment.

Is Jewish culture really that different? Is this a Dyspraxic thing? I silently asked myself. People with dyspraxia have trouble understanding social norms and in synagogue, it’s not unusual for someone you’ve never met to hug you. So I was confused and felt alienated. I felt like apologizing, I never meant to make someone feel uncomfortable or awkward. On the other hand, I didn’t (and still) don’t understand what I did wrong, or even if I did do anything wrong.

Later, lunch came along. I was very surprised to see someone who I used to work with sitting there on the floor.

“I told you I was in band!” He exclaimed, sounding annoyed. Ironically, he also plays clarinet so you would think it would have come to my mind that they were playing.

I was sitting outside with a friend and their mom who said I could have lunch with them. But it didn’t occur to me for some reason that if someone is so invested in something to not interrupt them. Oops!

“Sorry.” I grabbed my backpack and walked back inside when I cried, feeling so lost and embarrassed. It was crowded inside and I walked back out, sat down alone, and cried.

Someone in Symphonic Band asked me if I was okay once they finished clinic. I explained how alone I felt and she invited me to have lunch with her. So I followed her and we met up with someone in Wind Ensemble.

“Who do you want to go with?” she asked me.

“I… don’t know,” I said because I really enjoy both of them.

“Do you want to go outside or do you want to go to the theater?” she asked.

“…I would rather stay outside.”

“Okay, then go with [the person in Wind Ensemble].”

So we sat down and she came shortly after. There was a special feeling sitting between them, a feeling I was longing for… connection in an non awkward situation!

For the first time since we arrived, I finally felt happy, relaxed, and that amazing feeling of belongingness. I felt human and safe and I knew right away that this would be one of the biggest and best highlights of the festival. But there are a couple of things to know… one of them is a senior and the other one is a junior who is not signing up for band next year. So this would be the only year where we would all be at the festival together.

I could have been with them for hours, but I had to go since we had to warm up and get ready to go on stage!

I honestly remember next to nothing about the warmup and the actual performance was nothing special. We went to clinic after performing and met with one of the judges who was a university professor.

From my understanding, all the bands that performed only worked on one song during clinic, ours was our last song, “Record Breaker.” The judge told us we weren’t together, which surprised me because we’d rehearsed so many times and I can’t remember ever not being together.

Clinic went by fast and before we knew it, we were outside waiting for the bus. We were supposed to leave at around 3:15 which came and went and we were still waiting. The buses finally came at around 3:40-3:50ish, even though we didn’t leave the parking lot until around 4. Despite how late it was, I could hardly care less because we got a charter bus and not one of those old and rotten school buses! We ended up at school somewhere around 4:20 and that was the end of the day. However, the person I saw at the festival told me later that they were supposed to leave at 3:30 and be back at Highland Terrace by 3:50. Turns out, the time they actually arrived at school was around 5:00!

In band, Mr. Caruso read our scores from both of the judges. The judge at clinic gave us an overall rating of II, which is meating standard. (I is best and IV is worst.) They were a ton of categories we were getting judged on and I don’t remember half of them. What I do remember is when we got a III (below standard) on interpretation ( really anything that gives the piece character such as crescendos). I was fully expecting this so I didn’t have much of a reaction, but the people around me looked surprised, almost hurt. I don’t blame them, we tried our best. That is also where the “ratings” are stupid if the intent is to motivate kids to continue band.

However,  the other judge gave us an overall score of a I- (in between meeting standard and exceeding standard.) Now, what was really interesting is that the judge gave us a I- on interpretation, the same category we got a III on. I understand everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but the first judge’s opinion is wrong and you can’t say otherwise!

As corny as it sounds, when I write, I want to convey a lesson. Despite the festival being an overall really bad experience and I kind of regret going, there are still things that happened that are worth mentioning. First off, it’s worth noting I am a more introverted person than extroverted. In spite of that, it’s still human connection that’s important. People are always just glued to their phones and playing video games, but it’s really the human connection that’s important. You never know what other people are going through and you never know when you might need someone. I encourage everyone to say “hi” to a friend or talk to someone new, you never know what that means to someone. Send a text or an email, check in with someone who you know is struggling, a few of the best and easiest things humans can do. Volunteer to take someone under your wing. When people take me under their wing, I really appreciate it because my brother is in college and not at school with us. It’s people taking care of me that has helped me through the low points of the school year. Love people and invite them to join you whether that’s to a club, lunch, out of school, it doesn’t matter, it makes people feel good about themselves.

I hope to come to the festival next year with a sore arm from bagpipes, callus from guitar, and a collection of songs released to the public! Out of everything I’ve been through, including bullying, the one thing that nothing and no one has stopped me from is my love of music, especially bagpipes and guitar. Music is my passion and no one can change that. Absolutely no one…